"So I'm a glorified fax machine." "Don't sell yourself short, you can also open cans."
Okay, so in 2007 there was this reboot of the Bionic Woman series. It lasted eight episodes. It wasn't very good, but y'know...it's not entirely bad either. It's just that it didn't really have enough of the crack or awesome supporting cast to help you get over not caring about the main character, like...say True Blood or Alias.
The highlight was, and still is, Katee Sackhoff and her crazy. And random making out with Thomas Kretschmann. Clearly, Katee Sackhoff has the greatest job in the world.
So, okay, the whole show was focused on this chick, Michelle Ryan
She's meant to be your typical twenty-something American girl that's got a job as a bartender, she looks after her teenaged little sister, has a relationship with a guy named Will Anthros that teaches bioethics and researches prosthesis/bionics (DUN DUN DUNNN) and then after she tells him that she's pregnant, a truck smashes into their car. Jaime gets taken to Will's secret science lab in the mountains where he replaces her legs, one arm, an eye and an ear with state of the art robotics. Understandably, she freaks out. But then the robot bits get a mind of her own, as she finds out when she nearly accidentally kills a dude that came at her with a knife -- the whole thing is kinda HOLY SHIT MY ARM KNOWS KUNG-FU?! -- there's some freaking out, but then Jaime signs up with the mysterious robo-organisation to fight crime. And we're supposed to be rooting for her on this weird journey. Because fighting crime is totally the first thing any average person would think of doing when they discover they have robotically enhanced strength and speed after their supposed boyfriend spliced them a bunch.
All this is kinda a pity because I like Michelle Ryan. She was a wonderful foil for Merlin in...er, Merlin.
Plus, calling her Bionic Nimue never gets old.
And she teamed up with the Doctor in Planet of the Dead, where she was like a Lara Croft type thief that possibly got along with wildlife better.
I'm pretty sure her eyes are lasers. I'm kinda glad she got these gigs because it actually proved that she can act beyond looking like she's smelling something slightly offputting, and they're both in the UK so she doesn't have to put on a ridiculous accent. Or run around in high heels. Seriously, what the hell? High heels are not conducive to sprinting, and I don't care if your legs really are steel springs.
But this whole post isn't about Michelle Ryan or her laser-eyes.
Like I said before -- the one thing the show did have going for it was Katee Sackhoff.
The whole show starts with her all bloody and in a medical gown, cowering over the corpse of someone she's just ripped to pieces and Will Yun Motherfucking Lee shoots her in the head. This is possibly one of the most awesome introductions ever. Then we flash to three years later and oh yeah we're supposed to care about Michelle Ryan and her Typical American Life. No! Bad pilot! Go back to Crazy Landia! YOU DON'T JUST SKIP THREE YEARS OF CRAZY HOMICIDAL ANGST WITHOUT A GOOD REASON!
But no, apparently the good reason for skipping those three years was to have Katee Sackhoff turn up driving the truck that crashed into Michelle Ryan's car. So, they're setting up a showdown between the Bionic Babes. And okay, a smackdown between these two is not entirely a bad thing, and yes I am that shallow. However, my money is on Katee as her character was meant to be a soldier and everyone keeps talking about her in hushed tones of she's fucked up and dangerous AIE.
And this is actually the best part about her character. I mean, she's fucked up. She hasn't really got any reasons for doing what she does, and at least admits as much. There's hints that she was crazycakes before the whole bionic enhancement thing, but she's had three years to take it to a whole new level. The opener has her admit that she's replaced one of her own eyes and part of her chest, "replacing the parts of [her] that are weak." So, basically she's turned herself into an awesome cyborg killing machine and is wondering what the hell happened to her human parts. On the one hand, she seems to really love the whole enchanced thing, but on the other there are moments of vulnerability when it looks like she's not sure just who, or what, is in charge. And! And there's a time limit on how long before the bionics just stop working and she falls over and dies! Her time is almost up! She's starting to get unstable! She needs help but won't return to the fold for it!
And this is where I put on my tinhat of fangirlism because seriously, this show would have been so much better if it were about Sarah Corvis and her weirdo criminal activities and not knowing just how human or machine she is, tripping out or just playing poker, while the Berkut Group flail around and try to get her back in their lab for fine tuning or de-crazy. Throw in the whole part where she and Will Yun Lee had a steamy affair and you have two wonderfully broken people on opposite sides that still have feelings for each other and they may have to kill each other. But she's also a multi-million dollar piece of hardware and a highly trained operative that is dangerously on the loose and other corporations may want to get their dirty hands on her. So, better the devil you know? WHO KNOWS.
I would fucking watch that show. I would care about it so much! I would ship crazy cyborg girl with EVERYTHING! Oh god, and there'd better be leapy shit over rooftops all the time. And other cracked out bionic enhanced superpowered shit! None of this "oh where is my normal life, wah I have to lie to my little sister who is kind of a moron, boo-hoo I am not a trained operative!" because our heroine would be a psychopath that loves being faster/stronger/better than everyone else and will just get right on that while sassing anyone who will listen because she's crazy.
And lurking on rooftops with a sniper rifle to take out the very people who did this mess to you in the first place. See also, plot twist in the pilot after Michelle Ryan got back together with her creepy bionic-surgeon boyfriend and they had a moment while standing in front of a glass window. Yeah, Katee Sackhoff doesn't care about your schmoop, motherfuckers. She's got a goddamned sniper rifle. In the rain.
Sniper rifles are also handy for perving on your ex, as nothing quite says "thinking of you," like blowing a hole through the dude that ruined your life to get your ex's attention and handily in scope range. And this, my friends, is possibly why I love fucked up assassins so very, very much.
Katee Sackhoff can lurk in some badass heels, silent as a kitty-cat. And like a cat, she can shred your face or just sit there and creepily watch you while you sleep. It depends on her mood.
She's not opposed to randomly hooking up with Will Yun Lee for the sake of good ol' times. But if she were your psycho sort-of ex, you wouldn't say no either. I don't care how crazy or homicidal she might be, do me Katee.
KATEE SACKHOFF IS WATCHING YOU. But she doesn't need to dazzle. Fucking hottest stalker ever.
She'll invite herself to a random pedicure while you're being hunted by Serbian gangsters and engage you in casual conversation.
Y'know, just girl chit-chat. Just because she's got some psychological issues doesn't mean she shouldn't feel pretty.
And just like that, the crazy-eye starts to creep in.
Michelle Ryan has no idea what to make of it, either.
But whatever, she's got Serbian gangsters to fight while Katee flips through her magazine and then maybe shoots a guy in the head.
"ADULTS ARE TALKING!" Katee Sackhoff has no patience for bratty Canadian teens, specially when she's trying to explain how to hack into her own brain. I like to think that maybe after this, she'd skip off to team up with Alice and go fight some motherfucking zombies and an evil corporation.
HEY YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN!? GETTING CAPTURED BY YOUR EX AND TREATED SORTA LIKE A SASSY HANNIBAL LECTER AND BEING ALL "HI, YOU LOOK GREAT!" TO THE OTHER BIONIC EXPERIMENT IN TOWN. Crazy does not mean killjoy.
Stuff that's also fun: breaking a dude's hand to steal a pen to pry the cuff off the table that you're strapped to, mindfucking the ex who is still pining after you, and then breaking the fuck out of this freakshow.
"This is my boyfriend. It's an on-again, off-again thing. You know how it is, I killed all those people, you shot me in the head. Our friends call us the Bickersons."
THIS BIT WAS KINDA AWESOME! Katee basically punched a guy with his own rifle, ripped out his throat with her bare hand and stole his sidearm before the body could fall. See, this kind of badassery is what was totally lacking in the show. I mean, there's two chicks with these enhancements and apparently AI to give instant kung-fu skills as well as Will Yun Lee coaching sessions, and the show could have been as cracked out as all hell with the superpowered cyborg hottie fights. Did they do that? Hale no. And it's a crying shame because Katee Sackhoff ripped out a guy's throat with her bare hand.
It's like having a vampire movie when all the vampires don't do a single cool vampire thi--waitaminute.
Hey, escape from Evil Science Mountain! Drinks all around!
Your place or mine?
Hey look, random Callum Keith Rennie!
He's here to kidnap your CIA boyfriend and extort $8million out of the US Government. While on vacation in Paris. That's totes romantic.
If he doesn't get his money, he'll chop up your CIA boyfriend for cat food :D
Michelle Ryan doesn't approve of this plan.
THIS IS WHY YOU TIP YOUR WAITER, HE MIGHT BE CKR WITH A GUN AND YOUR DESSERT MAY BE BULLETS FIRED INTO YOUR FACE.
France may well be bitchy enough where this is the norm, too. I mean, sometimes they set their food on fire right in front of your eyes or give you snails.
I'm gonna take a moment here to share some dialogue that cracked me up in this 8 episode minithon. Background -- Ruth is the chick that used to be on NYPD Blue and is a badassed shrink, Nathan is the loveable tech nerd that eats junk and watches Michelle Ryan's eye!cam a lot. They're minor characters there to help Jaime sort of not suck so much, but it's a shame that they didn't get more of a time to shine because they really were amusing.
Ruth: You realise spies don't really talk like that, right?
Nathan: I know, and it blows! I'm just trying to bring back the cool.
Jaime: Why are we following this guy?
Nathan: Because he's a bad guy.
Jaime: Why is he a bad guy?
Nathan: Because he does bad things. And now this is starting to sound like phone sex.
Oh man, the final episode of the series got meta on my ass. I nearly choked on my face in laughter.
Because it was 2007, and teenaged girls who were any kind of hip were probably listening to MCR, so hey why not just have a SURPRISE BLATANT VIDEO CLIP after the main titles? And to fully express this, the clip in question is Teenagers. LOOK, THE SHOW WAS TRYING TO BE RELEVANT...TWO YEARS AGO.
BOB BRYAR REALLY DOES HAVE LASERS FOR EYES.
There's a blurry Gerard on the television in the background as Michelle comes home, but whatever Miguel Ferrer informs Michelle Ryan that she sucks as an older sister and should go on vacation, and while you're out please deliver this suspicious briefcase to someone.
So in the wilds of Montana, Michelle Ryan meets with a nutty Ben Cotton -- who turns out to be a junkie assassin that checks into the same hotel, shoots up and promptly ODs -- before taking her sister to some resort to get pampered. Only because of the nutty assassin OD saga, she winds up putting Ben Cotton in the bathtub with a lot of ice and then has second thoughts about killing the guy, who...was going to be killed anyway. There's some hilarity when she's trying to sneak him out of the restaurant and she gets her Altair on to ninja-incapacitate goons there to...kill the guy she was supposed to kill. Yeah, I don't get it either.
More meta fun because before all the crazy assassin shit explodes your car, Michelle Ryan and her annoying little sister have a moment eating icecream and cake and watching season one of Heroes.
YATTA!
Now back to Katee Sackhoff. I will admit that partway though the minithon I had a thought of, "So this is what happened to Starbuck after she died. SHE STARTED TO BECOME A CYLON!"
"I wanted to play Starbuck because she got to shoot a gun and I wanted to play Sarah because she's nuts."
:D
I love you Katee!
...I suppose I'm going to have to finally watch BSG now, instead of the few episodes here and there.
XD
"...they will not control us! We will be victorious!"
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dwg) wrote,
cheerful
